Posted by
GenXDad on Wednesday, June 20, 2007 2:31:02 PM
Fathers Day is over, but I want to share the lesson I learned from reflecting on last weekend.
I’ll readily admit that I’m never going to win the Ned Flanders Award for church attendance. While I own a Bible, and I do read it, particularly the gospels, on a regular basis, it sits on the bookshelf along with other books, many written by people who don’t believe in the Bible, and some of whom might consider me a fool for believing it myself. While I believe in Christ, I’m very skeptical of some of the Christians out there, especially the ones who are certain they have cracked every code in the Bible, received divine guidance, and now have all the answers. The last guy who had all the answers could walk on water, while these guys who claim to have the answers look all wet to me. I once heard Hugh Hewitt tell a listener “don’t follow Christians, follow Christ,” and I’ve taken that philosophy to heart.
While I’m far from perfect, I believe God is in my life, because I’ve felt His presence and his hand. I don’t pretend to know his plan, but I work to prepare myself to accept his direction. I prepare myself in a lot of ways. I take time to evaluate my life, seek balance, find congruence in my life and live the life outside that lives in my heart. I am a strong proponent of self-improvement as a tool for being the kind of person you are inside, and I see absolutely no contradiction between using such things to make myself into a better man and believing in Christ.
This is where I take issue with the absolutists. I believe things like Neuro Linguistinc Programming, visualization, meditation and positive self-talk are tools God has given us to be the kind of people He wants us to be, not tools of the Devil. God gave us a brain for a reason, and he expects us to use it to its fullest, and that includes ridding bad habits and mental roadblocks. Like any tool, they can be used properly or improperly, and whether they’re used for good or evil depends not on the tool but the character of the person using the tool.
When I got divorced about four years ago, I did a lot of soul-searching. I realized that the marriage I was in was based on a lie, and it was time to come clean and live a congruent life. I didn’t really love the woman I married, and I settled on her out of insecurity. I owed it to myself, to her, our son and, yes, to God, to live an honest life and find the woman God wanted me to be with, not the one who made me comfortable in the moment.
So I set on a path of self-improvement and self-discovery. I had been so wrapped up in my insecurities and fears I didn’t even know what really made me happy in life. I took risks. Getting a divorce was a big risk. Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane was a big risk, too, and became an incredible hobby. (Praying while climbing to altitude no doubt brought me closer to God, too.) I dated many different women, and had the most wonderful relationships I’d ever had. I became closer to my son and strived to be a better and more involved father. I strengthened my relationship with my family, which had been strained, because my first wife didn’t like associating with my family. I also prayed a lot. I grew into the man I was supposed to be, and people who saw the “old me” remarked how different I carried myself and that I looked “truly happy.”
During all of this, I could have settled. I could have married one of those other women and been happier than I ever was in my first marriage. And I missed being married and having a complete family. Living in a one bedroom apartment gets to be a drag. I wanted my son to see his father in a positive, loving relationship with a woman. But I never settled. I knew that, while these women who were coming into my life were wonderful, beautiful people, they were not what God had planned for me. I felt I was on the right path, but not at the end of my journey.
Then I met my soul mate. I didn’t believe in the concept of a soul mate before, but as she and I grew together, I realized they do exist if we’re open to what God has planned for us, and she was mine. She wasn’t what I had in mind as my future wife. She was by far the most attractive woman I’d ever dated, but on paper, we didn’t seem compatible. I was the high school geek who couldn’t get a date, she was the popular cheerleader; I’m the white-collar manger who deals with numbers, she’s a cop; I’m the responsible planner, she’s a free spirit; I’m the single dad, she’d never been married; she was older than me. Even with all those differences, we had more in common than either of us had found in any past relationship.
So life changed. I went from the “serial dater” to the faithful boyfriend, to being more ready to tie the knot than I’d ever been before. She went from the independent free-spirit and “commitmentphobe” to calling herself “Mrs. GenxDad” before we’d gotten engaged. We both felt the hand of God on us, leading the way. Even while we fought through our differences and learned to accept each other for who we are and put aside our preconceived notions of the ideal partner, God was there, helping us to let go of our own plans and accept His.
We got engaged and started planning our life together, the adventurous couple. We’d travel, we’d go kayaking, we’d SCUBA dive, we’d be the “work hard, play harder” couple. We’d get married at the end of the year, when I’d built up enough vacation time.
Then life changed again. She discovered she was pregnant. It was a miracle, and we accepted this change in our lives as if we’d planned it ourselves. We know many people who are struggling to get pregnant, and they’d ask us what we did. We’d say we got pregnant the old fashioned way – by accident. But it wasn’t an accident. We knew this was also God’s plan, and we could feel His hand gently guiding us down the path He had for us.
My son is absolutely thrilled at the prospect of having a baby brother. We’ve adjusted to the whirlwind of changes – moving in together, getting married, adjusting to the “blended family,” and taking care of my wife through her generous serving of pregnancy-related discomforts.
Through this stressful and dramatic set of life changes, she and I have grown closer to each other and closer to God, and so far away from the plans we were making even at the beginning of this year, it’s like we’re different people. We look back on our lives last year and it seems like another lifetime ago when we met and fell in love while having adventures all over the world. Now I can’t wait to get home to take care of her.
It’s in these moments of reflection that I realize that all the things I was doing weren’t a waste of time, or the tool of the Devil, but part of the plan God has in store for me. I had to get myself ready to accept the changes He had planned. I had to rid myself of the self-deceit and fears holding me back. I had to learn to accept change, to embrace the unexpected change in direction of the road ahead, to learn to love the change, let go, learn the lesson and grow as a man. It’s through this process that I’ve come to understand the phrase “Let go, Let God.” I wish I could have learned to accept this reality earlier in my life, but there was a reason for that, too. I’m learning to accept my past without regret or bitterness by embracing the present and accepting the gift that I’ve been given.